Disease of Self

Please let me apologize in advance, but I'm feeling a bit of a rant coming on.  I don't intend this to be "preachy," self-righteous, or offensive - but I'm overcome this morning with frustration and it's hard to focus on pretty much anything else until I get this off my chest...

I read the news, watch TV, etc. and my spirit is grieved at all the pain in the world.  There are SO MANY disheartening things going on globally right now.  But let's bring it down a notch and just look at our country...do you want to know the singular cause of what's wrong in our nation?  And to put a finer point on it, let's look at our own state and city...  Do you want to know what's wrong?  The answer is simple...

It's in me.  It's in you.  It's in all of us.

S E L F I S H N E S S.

Of all the sins, vices, and evils of the world, I hate this one most of all because it is pretty much the root of all evil.  I know.  You thought "Money (of the love of it) is the root of all evil" - but look at the core desire.  Is it the green bill that is evil?  No.  Is it wanting to acquire money that's evil?  Not necessarily - money can be used as a tool for good.  So what is it that's evil?  It's the WHY of wanting money - because we want to satiate our desire for self.

We are to be driven toward promoting our own desires, our own pleasure, our own interests - indeed, the "original sin" was about the promotion of self.  And not that it is inherently bad...it isn't.  Meeting desires, having fun, etc. isn't necessarily bad.  BUT, seeking it at the cost of all else IS. 

Why do we cut people off in traffic?

Because WE WANT that spot...to get there first.

Why do we sneak 12 or 13 items into the 10 items or less" line at the grocery store?

Because WE WANT to hurry through and not have to wait.

Why do businesses depress our economy to ship jobs out for cheap labor overseas?

Because WE WANT a fatter the bottom line.

Why are there necessary jobs that people refuse to do or look down on?

Because WE WANT to be perceived by others as a certain "status."

Why do men decide that they are no longer "in love" and cheat on or leave their wives?

Because WE WANT instant gratification and happiness w/ no cost to us.

I could go on and on, but do you see the pattern?  When it comes down to it, far too many of us make decisions based off of what we perceive will make us happy at any given time.  An old DC Talk song ("In the Light") calls it "the disease of self," and says that it's a "cancer fatal to my soul."

Think for a moment just about your relationships.  Think about how you interact with people...or more specifically, your spouse.  Are you a giver or a taker?  Do you make decisions (where you go to eat, what movie you see, etc.) based mostly off of what YOU want?  How often do you consider the other person?  (Think about the "why," though - if you always do for others because you want them to think well of you, then that's a whole different issue.)  How often do you go places you'd rather not, but you go because they do?  I STRONGLY BELIVE; no, I am WHOLLY CONVINCED that our world will change...businesses will change...families will change...marriages will change if we just take the focus off of ourselves.  Especially in marriage, if you will focus on meeting your spouse's needs (and they focus on meeting your needs), then everyone's needs get met but no one is trying to meet their own needs.  It's a perfect solution!

Two weekends ago, Andrea and I had the opportunity to go to a movie together.  Now, this is not something that we get to do very often...like, once every six months or so we'll see a movie together.  Andrea had REALLY been wanting so see "The Last Song" because she's such a fan of "Nick's" books.  (I can call him Nick now because we have a personal friend who is one of his personal friends...so according to LinkedIN, we're 2nd Degree friends now!)  I had absolutely NO desire to see that movie, but I agreed to go because I knew how much she wanted to see it.  As things w/ us tend to go, we were running late to the movie (this time, though, it wasn't Andrea's fault!) so I dropped her off by the box office to buy the tickets while I parked.  (I HATE missing the previews, and I will not watch a movie if I miss even the first 2 or 3 minutes of it.  Neurotic, I know...but that's what she has to deal with!)  When I walked up to meet her a few minutes later, she put the tickets in my hand.  As I looked down, I saw that she had bought tickets for the movie that I wanted to see.  She gave up seeing "The Last Song" for me to see the comedy that I thought would be funny...turns out, the movie wasn't good at all - but that's a different story.  Bottom line?  She put her needs aside and did something nice for me.  I felt SOOO loved when she did that.  At that moment, I'd have signed up to go to a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon and watched, "The Notebook," "Message in a Bottle,""A Walk to Remember," "Dear John," and "The Last Song" all in a row.  Torture?  YES!  But I'd do it to show love for her.  And what inspired it?  She showed love to me.

This is growing long, so I must conclude with a challenge for you.  Pray, and evaluate your life.  Ask God to root out any selfishness you have, and instead fill it with love for others.  Look for a way that you can show love to your spouse by putting him or her first.  Look for a way you can show love to your child, or your co-worker, or that idiot who drives below the speed limit in the HOV lane.

Less of me, God; more of You.

Don't Get Married for You, Get Married for Her

In preparation for our TV appearances in Atlanta tomorrow & Thursday, I spent the morning reviewing marriage data.  (Sifting through endless verbiage, charts, graphs, and tables isn't always a fun thing to do, but the information gleaned always makes it worth your while!)  As I looked at what is going on in our world (statistically speaking), I became more and more grateful for my wife and our experiences together.

The short story on the stats I read is this:

• Fewer people are choosing to get married than years past; cohabitation, however, is on the rise.
• With the exception of a slight fall in the divorce rate this past year (which the researchers attributed to the economic downfall), the divorce rate has been rising steadily to 40-50% since the mid-90's.
• The number of women between the ages of 20 and 34 who are having babies out of wedlock has drastically increased since 2002 (presumably due to the higher cohabitation and divorce rates).

While sad to me, these stats are pretty much what I expected to find.  What I like to call the, Cancer of "Self Above Else" has been slowly infiltrating our society and has reached a saturation point.  In my opinion, the rise in cohabitation is a result of that trend.  There hasn't been enough research on the cohabitation trend to make very many valid scientific assertions, but I believe that some "Common Sense Research" can fairly accurately describe this trend.  Whether it is societal or parental (or both), many young adults are feeling encouraged to "try it out" by living with someone before getting married.  This living arrangement, with the exception of conceiving a child, frees you of legal obligations should you decide that it's not going to work for you.  It's an easy "out" for when the going gets tough...and it will get tough.

In an interesting turn of events, I found myself in a store later today (attempting to buy a shirt for said TV appearances).  Since I'm fashion illiterate, I was asking the sales guy and girl (yes, it required TWO of them to help me!) about the protocol for rolling sleeves.  For instance, you can flip the cuffs on a long sleeve shirt once and still keep some degree of "formal," but how far up the arm can you roll the sleeves before it loses the "nice" and becomes "casual?"  (I know, I know...the deepness of my thought process is staggering!)  ANYWAY, he asked me what I needed the shirt for, so I told him that we were going to be on a TV show to talk about marriage and relationships.  His young, twentyish face brightened up and said, "I want to get married someday...what advice do you have for me?"

Now, I have the propensity to be verbose and overcomplex.  (See!  I just did it!  Dang!  I just used "propensity" and "verbose" in the same sentence...I'm my own illustration!)  I knew that I would only have his attention for a short time, so I quickly asked God to deliver wisdom!  As best as I can remember, this is basically what I told him...

The best advice I can give you is this:  Don't get married for you, get married for her.  We date because we think they're cute and we like it; or we think that they have money, or because they make us feel good about ourselves, right?  When you get married (or are considering getting married), all of that must change.  The relationship ceases to be about meeting your needs - it's now about meeting hers.  Now, that doesn't mean that you disappear in the relationship.  In fact, she should now be about meeting your needs, not her own...so together, you get your needs met while you are meeting hers!  Unfortunately, most people don't treat it that way.  They are about all about getting their needs met; and the other person's needs are secondary.  That's where most relationships break down.  You get married to give yourself to that other person - whatever the cost.  If that's not your attitude, then don't do it!  Don't get married for you...get married for her."

Lord, may we all approach our spouse with Your attitude..."to serve, and not to be served."